I have decided that I needed to be true to my blog, since this is what I am using for my journal, so I am not going to hold back anymore on things I want to write. If people find it insensitive, rude, selfish...whatever the list goes on, I am going to write it anyway since this is a record or supposed to be a record for my posterity.
Anyway, for the last couple of months (since October probably) I have been struggling with the whole pregnancy issue. I know that I have 2 gorgeous children and that I should be happy with what I have...but the truth is I AM NOT!!! Don't get me wrong I am happy with my 2 but I want more than my 2, selfish??? I don't care if it is, or sounds like it is. If I knew all I was going to have was the 2 then I could start to work through the ache, and grief and sadness, but I don't know that. I have had blessings for other issues and in that blessing I was told, "You will be blessed with more children" but then I have had blessings I have asked specifically for, to know about children that don't say anything about children.
So for the last few months I have endlessly struggled and agonized over the not knowing. I can't tell you how many times I have called my mom to cry, complain, be angry, upset. Especially when everyone and their mothers dog around me is pregnant or announcing it. I hate that it takes us so much longer than most to conceive, and I hate that people think it is just so easy and have no clue how much of a struggle it is for others . I would gladly take being poor, kidney stones again, acne again, or morning sickness to have more children. My mom thinks that because I am uneasy about things and not feeling peaceful about it probably means there will be more, and for the most part I feel the same, but there is a lot of times where I doubt and have struggles with, "am I feeling this way cause the Lord wants me to feel this way, or because I don't want to give up hope" I desperately don't want to be going against what the Lord has planned for us.
My mom also thinks that if Mike's side didn't have the fertility issues they have had, and I didn't have the 2 sisters I have that get pregnant so easy, and Mikes age I wouldn't worry about it so much. I have been told by my OB that I am more than normal, and we did fertility testing before Mordecai and Mike was normal then so now what?
I feel a little better writing this down even though I still have no idea what to do, believe, hope for, or feel...and even if this doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Thanks Mom, for listening, love you!
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7 comments:
I totally know what you are going through! It is perfectly normal to feel the way you do, and if you ever need to talk to anybody else you can call me. :) You are such a good mom and any kid that is going to come into your family will be very lucky. Plus.... we are going to have our kids at the same time so the real reason you aren't pregnant now is because Tanner and I have stopped trying for a little while. Blame it on me. :)
Hang in there and trust in the Lord. I love you! (Give me about a year and I will probably be calling you in tears because I am not pregnant and it is you with the new born.)
Sorry that I'm one of those gets-pregnant-easily sisters. Like I've said before I don't know what theLord has in store for you, but it must be wonderful! Love you!
Vent away chica, I'm always here to listen, I know what it feels like! Hope you don't have to wait as long as we did though! Good luck!
Thanks for posting this...One of the hardest things in the world was being told after Chiara's birth that I would never be able to have the big family we planned on. It's nice to know that other people are feeling the same way. You're brave to be so real with your feelings.
May blessing come your way.
Yeah, I understand how you feel. Hopefully we'll both have happy news before too much longer. :)
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